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What guys think: Why he ghosted

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why he ghosted

Image: Wyatt Redd

So you’re wondering why he ghosted? It’s something that happens a lot in modern dating. Maybe you’ve even done it yourself. But it still hurts just as much whenever it happens to you. You know how it goes:

You’re talking to a guy you like. Nothing is serious yet, but you’ve been on a date or two and texted back and forth. Then one day, he starts avoiding you. He breaks plans without much warning and won’t return any of your messages. Finally, you stop hearing from him altogether.

So what happened? Why do guys suddenly disappear?

Well, I think I can help shed a little light on what he might have been thinking. My name is Wyatt and I write here on Wably (that’s my picture up there and that image probably makes a lot more sense now, doesn’t it?). But more importantly, I’ve been a guy for twenty-something years, which gives me some perspective on why guys do what they do. And I am going to give you a completely honest explanation of how guys’ minds work.

As far as the question of why he ghosted goes, I can tell you there are a few basic reasons that it happens.

Why He Ghosted

Everyone is different, but the truth is they’re not that different. And if dating as a guy has taught me anything, it’s that there are some basic scenarios that play out in every relationship. This is especially true when it comes to asking why he ghosted. So here are some of the reasons:

He wasn’t interested to begin with

This is by far the most common reason a guy will ghost on you. In fact, I would feel confident saying that close to 90% of ghosting can be explained by saying, “He just wasn’t actually interested.”

This is something you might have suspected already, but guys will sometimes act interested when they actually aren’t. This is a crappy thing to do to someone, especially when they like you, but people still do it all the time.

They might have some sort of issue with their self-esteem, and get a sense of validation from your attention, which leads them to turn to you when they need a boost and ignore you the rest of the time.

Or they might only have been interested in a romantic conquest, which means they’ll pursue you until they get what they want (sex) and then disappear.

A guy might also tell you in that situation that they were interested in you at first and then realized they didn’t want a relationship as things progressed.

This is a lie.

If a guy actually likes you they will want to keep going out with you after you sleep together. And they will want to do things besides sleeping together.

The best way to tell if that is what’s going on is to be honest with yourself about how interested they are. Don’t let your attraction to them blind you to the signs that they aren’t into you.

Do they want to talk to you? Do they initiate conversations? Are they eager to see you again?

If they answer is no to all of those, then they probably aren’t that interested.

In which case, don’t sleep with the guy right away (unless you aren’t interested in a relationship either). And this is good advice for any guy you’re seeing. Demanding a basic level of commitment first will help weed out the guys who aren’t really interested. Be careful with this strategy, though. It isn’t fool-proof.

I can tell you from personal experience that a guy will go through a lot for a chance at closing the deal, so to speak. So, if you have serious suspicions at this stage, it’s best to find someone else. You should never go out with someone if you aren’t sure they actually like you because they probably don’t. If they did, you wouldn’t be wondering.

He was seeing someone else

This is another thing that guys do for no other reason than that many of us can be jerks. And in the days of Tinder and casual relationships, it’s acceptable to a lot of guys (though still feels kind of sleazy to me personally) for people to see more than one person at a time. The reasoning of a lot of guys on this issue is that until you’ve made a commitment, it’s fair game to pursue other options.

Whether or not you agree, this is pretty common and a frequent explanation for why he ghosted.

They may have been keeping you on the hook in case a relationship with the person they were really interested in didn’t work out. And once it does, they’ll vanish.

There’s not a lot you can do about this besides stalking their Facebook or going through their phone, which is a terrible idea anyway. Not only is it a bad thing to do, but it will scare off any guy who was interested (with good reason, if we’re being honest).

It’s best to just move on. That situation wasn’t going to lead to a meaningful relationship anyway.

He just got busy with other things

This is the most frequent explanation you’ll get from a guy about why he ghosted but isn’t actually very likely. There’s a chance that they honestly just got really busy and didn’t have time to spare for you. That isn’t their fault.

But unless he’s deployed with the military or something, a guy who is really interested will most likely find a way to make time for you.

If the person you’re talking to keeps disappearing and offering you the excuse that they’re busy, it’s best to just be honest with them and ask if they’ll have time to keep going out. If they’re so busy they had to ghost on you, then the answer is probably not.

So if you’re asking why he ghosted and he says he was busy at work, treat that answer very skeptically. Give him one more shot, he could be telling the truth. But don’t get too invested emotionally. And giving him more than one chance is just a waste of your time.

You escalated things too quickly

There are a few things girls can do that actually drive guys who were interested away. If you’re expecting the kind of commitments that would come with a serious relationship on a second date, this will make a guy a little nervous, especially if he doesn’t know how much he likes you yet.

Think about it from the other side. If you were going on a second date with a guy and he wanted you to meet his parents or something, you would also be freaked out.

Essentially, don’t seem possessive or desperate. Those are qualities that would turn off people of any gender.

My dad used to explain relationships between men and women to me as being like a pair of oppositely-charged magnets. When one moves closer, the other one pulls away. It’s not exactly right, but there’s a lot of truth in it.

The trick is to let them be drawn to you.

You said or did something he really didn’t like

Guys tend to think of girls as being kind of thin-skinned or irrational about certain things, but the truth is that men are too. We’re very sensitive about our pride. And many have things we aren’t confident about like our height, or intelligence, or how successful we are. Comments that highlight these failings will upset most guys more than they let on.

And it’s easier than you might think to make an innocent comment that he takes the wrong way. So if a guy suddenly goes quiet or seems cold, it’s possible you did something that rubbed them the wrong way. Try to find out what it was and apologize, even if it’s silly. Otherwise, you might not hear from them again.

No matter why he ghosted, the best thing to do is not take it personally. I know that’s hard because it’s a pretty cold way to reject someone, and because the complete lack of explanation leaves you scratching your head and asking why he ghosted.

But ghosting is really more about him than you.

Ultimately when it comes to dating, I think things should be easy. When you find someone who’s right for you, it’s easy to be together. So if things aren’t easy, it’s not right.

And if you have anything else you’d like a guy’s perspective on, post a question about anything in the comments below this article. I will give you a completely honest answer about anything in the next installment of what we want to be a recurring segment. Or you can email me here if you want to keep things confidential.