Valentine’s Day can be a tough time for relationships. There is a lot of pressure to come up with a thoughtful and romantic gift to show your significant other how much you care. The added stress can reveal underlying issues and even lead to the end of a relationship. But what if that’s exactly what you want to happen? Maybe you want to move on with the handsome gentleman you met at the bank and your boyfriends ability to burp on command no longer retains the charm it once had . Maybe you’re tired of hearing him complain about how his manuscript is too “real” for any publisher to touch. Whatever the reason, there’s nothing better to drive a wedge between two people than a spectacularly bad Valentine’s Day Gift.
Stripper Pole
At first this may seem like the kind of gift your boyfriend might like, which is exactly what you want him to think. This will double the impact when you reveal that the pole is actually a gift for him, and you expect to see some twirls. The danger is that he might be into it. Then you’d have to watch a hairy belly sliding up and down a greased pole installed in your living room. Gift with caution.
Rogaine
Rogaine
Men are famously vain about their hair and will react with intense panic at any suggestion that they are losing it. A gift of Rogaine hair restoring foam will instill a tiny seed of paranoia that will eventually grown into intense resentment, which is the kind of thing bitter break ups are made of. For best results insist that he doesn’t have a bald spot but you just feel like it could be “fuller”.
Hattie McDaniel Contract
Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar for best supporting actress in Gone With The Wind. It was a landmark moment in Hollywood history and marked a minor but important victory in the struggle for civil rights. This has nothing to do with that. It’s a contract she signed with an unrelated production company that became null and void when the company folded shortly after. It costs $50,000. Once your boyfriend finds out how much you spent on it, he will be filled with bilious contempt and a breakup will follow shortly after.
Small Penis Sex techniques
A cheap shot, but perhaps the most effective, gifting your boyfriend a guide to pleasing a woman while having a small penis is a one-two punch of suggested inadequacy. Not only will he assume you are saying he has a small penis, but that he doesn’t know how to use it either. Speaking as a man, I can tell you that all of us are convinced that we are great at sex, and terrified that maybe we aren’t. A little bit of confirmation of the latter is all it takes to incite the kind of split that will have your friends cutting both of you out of their lives.
Super Realistic Baby Doll
This super realistic baby doll is in the deepest party of the uncanny valley. Present it to the man you never want to see again by calling it Brian and insisting on bottle feeding him at regular intervals. Careful not to be look too deeply into his dead, black eyes. You’ll find yourself wandering the streets, pushing him around in a stroller around and obeying the whispered commands he projects into your head.
