Fanboy Report

Tech gadgets that should never have been invented

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Our modern day world, is rife with as much technological advancements as one could imagine. Giant strides are being made daily, in terms of innovation and general productivity. One response to this would be, the influx of gadgets to the societal sphere, each with its own promise, each intended to help humanity keep up with the hustle and bustle of her fast paced world. While mankind greatly appreciates this gesture, (I mean what would we be without our cars and iPhones), there are some tech gadgets we could not help but wish into it’s prior state of “un-invention”. The ideas behind these gadgets, we maintain, should never have been conceived at all.

Car Exhaust Grill

How (But Not Why) to Make an Exhaust-Pipe Burger photo


Someone literally sat in their office one day and thought, “I’m going to figure out a faster way to kill humans from lung cancer because cigarettes aren’t cutting it”. This grill, which plugs directly to your car’s exhaust pipe, uses the spare heat from the gases emitted by the car to do the cooking. Shaped like a clam-shell, it is supposed to keep dangerous fumes from your food , letting you “cook while you commute”. Super amazing idea, if you don’t mind a-burst-of-dirt-and-an-occasional-splash-of-water-while-driving flavored burger. Whatever happened to stopping by McDonalds?

USB Pet Rock

Image- Amazon

Instruction: Connect this USB to your computer, it will gleam if your pet is nearby and emit transmissions that would cause them to flip backwards depending on their specie. Sounds fun? Yeah? No? Well, I wish it did that at least. The “USB pet rock” does nothing…literally. So what exactly is the point? Promoters say it helps improve conversations. Yeah, and a swallowed bubble-gum takes seven years to digest too.

Tv-hat Theater (Black)

Image- Amazon

I’m not sure what’s worse, how hideous this hat is, or the fact that it has gained a reasonable amount of air waves. The TV hat is basically, a smartphone theater that lets you view movies, privately, on your smart phone, around the head region, with the supposed viewing experience of a personal theater. I guess holding phones on hands or placing them on a docking station has become so much of  a chore. In exchange for a better, painless viewing experience, lets ruin our eyes and look ridiculous while at it too.

Food spa

You take time out of no time to pamper yourself at the spa? Why not treat your food to the same experience. You can barely afford time or money to go to the spa? Still treat your food to some soothing massage, after all, it takes a lot to be a faithful source of nutrition, despite the inevitable tendency to be banished to the loo. This device, purely for pampering purposes, has no effects whatsoever on the taste of food or its dietary content. So, why not treat your food to the luxury it deserves and get a food spa today.

The NoPhone Zero (Original)

Image- Amazon

The no phone zero is not a phone and it has zero functionality, making it one of the dumbest tech gadgets ever. At least its manufacturers gave it an honest name. It is a rectangular block, shaped like an iPhone that is supposed to help curb the excessive need to use smartphones. Its rectangular size gives the illusion that a phone is in the bearers pocket. With constant use, it is supposed to gradually help wean cellphone addiction. Agreed, the rise of social media may have seen an increased concentration on smartphones and a reduced tendency for human interaction. What happens, however, when you’re in need of an actual phone to say, place an important call? That aside, why pay for a rectangular piece of nothingness when you can always craft yourself one.

Steering Wheel Attachable Work Surface Tray

Image- Amazon

I’m not sure why this was ever invented. As if the mortality rate, arising from the use of cellphones while driving, isn’t enough to deal with. Why anyone would consider typing while driving beats me, and what happens when you hit a sharp curve? Does the laptop fall completely off the user’s lap? Reviews go even further to state that some users have improvised this tech gadget such that its utilities now include a baby changing table and a violin “balancer”… so you can play while you drive. Oh my, what the world is turning to.

Razor Phone


Razor phone, not the Motorola RAZR, is a handset that has a hidden beard trimmer which “supports a full electric shave”. The phone sports a removable plate where clippings are hidden until they are emptied. Seriously, some things are supposed to be left in their separate spheres of life.

Lolita SMS Chandelier

Image- Moritz Waldemeyer

Image- Moritz Waldemeyer

Just when you think things can’t get worse; presenting the specially designed for people who have no idea what to do with their money. The $18,000 chandelier will display messages notifications across 1,050 LEDs and 2,100 crystals. Remind me what actual phones are for again.

Lilian Ogbuefi is a Creative Writer/Blogger interning at Wably Media Group and currently completing her bachelor’s degree in Business Administration and English at Fisk University, Nashville Tennessee. She identifies as a story teller and believes that story telling is the ultimate way to preserve thoughts and ideas while influencing the actions and decisions of the individual that interprets the story behind the art, thus, promoting change in the society. As a writer and filmmaker, she strives to embrace this modern form of expression by infusing it with as much positive messages as possible. At the end of the day, what’s truly important to her are, the messages we pass, the stories we tell and the changes we influence. “Stories change lives; make it count”.